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Closer.

Nestling your muzzle into my neck 

Just enough pressure to let me know 

You got me,

Comforting 

As I sob

Get in the back seat, girl, 

it’s not safe driving

You understand,

And climb back.

Connection,

Communication

Closeness.

Kona girl, 

You are not a single-story girl.

A whiff of something, 

You’re transformed.

No longer recognizable,

No longer listening 

Wildness unleashed,

The chase.

Scarier, 

The fight,

Even with docile dogs 40 feet away.

You go for the throat

And don’t let go. 

With me, you 

Relax and breathe out a big sigh,

melt like butter.

We play ivy,

clover catch,

Take long walks in the Redwoods

Swim,

Watching you abseil into water,

Your unbridled power, swimming, 

single focused play. 

Joy pushed past a threshold.

In those days I had no worry.

I heard you growled over Sky girl’s toys

Kelsey and Nate no longer left the two of you alone  

About the dead cats.

No one knows the racoon’s fate.

In May, you lunged at the mailman.

While you cowered for days,

We were in turmoil

Wondering when you would really do serious damage.

We planned to euthanize you. 

But you didnt bite the mailman

You were better now that you had moved in full time with Chris and Tom,

We couldn’t abide with the plan

Not  a resolution

a repreive

When I tried to look,

All I saw is murky darkness and violence.

For six years 

Animal communicators,

Trainers,

Medication

Each of us working with you. 

None of us could reach your demon,

Release it.

I learned you were 

Bred 

To grab

Bears and bulls heads:

Not let go.

Then dogs fights.

I shudder 

for humans to find pleasure 

In a fight to death.

It’s not your fault

You are not to blame

It passed down to you.

This last time,

Were you nervous because all the family gathered?

Were you anxious to make Kelsey better;

Make sure she was safe?

Why out of the blue, 

Did you run outside the yard and attack 

a dog on a leash minding his own business?

If I had been there, would you have done the same?

Kona girl,

Too great a risk

Too much to manage.

We made an agonizing choice.

A date was set. 

I put in more effort.

Friends who didn’t know you also tried

Knowing it would take a miracle,

I hoped 

Donna, 25 years in the Dog shelter business, 

Owned Pits all her life,

Told me the demon will never release.

Can only be managed

With tremendous skill, consistency

and a lot of money hiring skilled trainers.

Affirming the risk,

She knew 6 shelters;

None would take you

It would be rare to place you

if you didn’t get placed

you would die,

Without anyone you knew

She cried.

Commended us.

I cried.

The torment relaxed

for a moment.

We had a splendid last week. 

Two trips to the beach

A walk in Redwoods,

Last day on Redwood creek doing everything you loved.

We were visited;

A pair of Dolphins, 

A seal, 

Monarch and Swallowtail butterflies 

Hummingbirds

Everyone who loved you

Came

We had a long talk in the car that day.

You whimpered. 

You knew.

Thought you were bad,

It’s not your fault

You are not to blame

None of us are to blame.

I will walk you as far as I can go

with you

Lean in to what is easy,

Trust what you know

Deep breath out

Let our love in

Love us to the end

The last day 

The rainbow bridge, revealed

Surrounded by love

Threshold Songs 

Noble and dignified 

To the end.

Your last act, 

Empathy for Chris’ tears.

Loving you, fully, fiercely;

Empathic resonance, 

Loving back.

Kona you got into our hearts big time

Missing you.

For more pictures and few videos of Kona see this photo album: 

https://www.icloud.com/shared
album/#B0oGzFCC13UPlU